Is there a difference?

So I was sitting here tonight contemplating love and I decided that there is a difference between being IN LOVE with someone and LOVING someone. You can love someone on many different levels, but you aren't IN LOVE with the said someone. Loving others can be loving a friend, a co-worker, a family member,a favorite professor... and sometimes even the minor crushes/obsessions on athletes (Michael Phelps) or other famous people (ok ok ok you can't really be in love with someone, but I have an obsession and it's my blog so....). But that being said, it doesn't mean that you are IN LOVE with everyone in your life. Sure, you love them, care about them, want the best for them, like spending time with them - but they aren't your better half and aren't the ones that make your heart race faster and fill your stomach with butterflies. Now when you are IN LOVE with someone, you love them too, but to a different degree and you are IN LOVE with them. You feel complete when you are around them - and from my experience, you feel this even when you are absolutely frustrated with them or just want them to leave you alone, yet you can't let yourself have them go away. They are your everything and you want nothing more than their happiness and for them to succeed. It's kind of a confusing idea, but at the same time, it makes sense. Maybe I'm just crazy, but at least I think I am starting to untangle the mess of my current existence. So, is there a difference? :-D

Thanks to my Wife

My dear friend, Frances - who is also my wife, took this picture of me and Andrew/AJ (I call him Andrew, he insists on AJ). It's my fav pic and just thought I would share it :-D I love his smile.

My Hairy Hunk

So I'm house sitting an have been for the past three weeks. Today I was gone longer than normal and I realized I missed my hairy hunk Hobbes. He is the cutest black lab on the planet and I'm seriously going to miss hanging out with him - even though he sheds, steals my things when I'm away, and farts nuclear ones. Aside from that, he is just perfect. I love my hairy hunk.

WOOOO!

I'm goin blog crazy today!!!!! Well, I had something exciting happen in the last ten minutes! So a few months back I found this job online with the College Republican National Committee. The job was a "field representative." I was intrigued because it said there would be training in DC (which is a definite seller right there!) and that it would just be ten weeks of travel after that. TRAVEL??? Getting PAID to travel?!?! That was definitely my kind of job. So I emailed for some more information and then didn't do anything about it for about a month and a half. I was still hoping that something would pop up around here for me to do, but sadly, nothing did. So one day, on a whim, I decided to just send in my resume. A few days later, I did a phone interview and come to find out, they actually called most of my references! Well, I got called today and I GOT THE JOB!!!! YAY!!!! And he said that I sound like a really hard-worker and enthusiastic! I'm so excited! And he also said that all of my references spoke highly of me - especially one, whom I absolutely love (THANKS JEN)! I am very appreciative of all that my wonderful references said! OH I'm STOKED! Ok, my life is turnin up ;-D

Life Update

I started this blog to give myself another means of dealing with the ever-present boredom in my life. With that being said, I guess I haven't gotten bored enough in the last month to actually have the energy to "blog" - but it probably has more to do with the fact that I can't really figure this whole thing out that I have been avoiding it.

Anywho... what better place than your blog to talk about the current goings-on in your life?! Let's see.... I'm helping one of my favorite professors with a research project she is doing. It will be pretty cool once we are all finished. I am really honored that she picked me to help her.

I am considering applying for some graduate schools this fall in hopes to make their spring deadlines and get going on furthering my education - and have some direction to my life. Now if I do decide to do this, I need to take the GRE here pretty quick. That is definitely not something that I am looking forward to! I hate standardized tests and when I graduated in May I pretty much lost every bit of information I had ever learned - mostly because I wasn't planning on going to Grad school. But, there really aren't many drawbacks to going. Education always comes in handy.

Grad school is probably my best option at the moment, even though I would love to just dive into the political arena, things just aren't seeming to work out for me in that area at the moment. And I don't know that I will figure out what I should/want to do for a long while. Which is really strange because I LOVE planning my future and trying to figure that sort of thing out. I planned out all of my college experiences two years ago and that helped.... so now I can't plan and it is driving me nuts! I'm a little anal when it comes to planning the future, but looks like that won't be happening. Good thing I can be okay with going with the flow (or lack of flow as the case would be at the moment).

I have been doing marginally decently in training for my marathon. I'm pretty scared because I HATED running up until two years ago when my dad was training for the St. George marathon. Well, I stopped running after about a month and hadn't since until I decided to sign up for the Marine Corps Marathon in DC. I was in DC last fall and was able to go to the finish line of the race - in hopes of finding a friend that was running, but that attempt failed miserably - and it really inspired me to want to run a marathon. I decided on the Marine Corp Marathon for the sole selfish reason that I wanted some sort of an excuse to go back to DC, since I had no idea when the next time would be. I'm up to 5.6 miles.... 26.2 should be cake, right?! Hopefully I can run 10 tomorrow. At least, that's what I'm planning on.

I'm kind of stuck in some random place right now and I really have no idea how to get myself out of it. It's a weird funk that I am definitely not used to. I am not completely satisfied with my life, yet I'm not really taking steps to change that. And I blame it on the fact that I have no idea what I want to do now or which direction to go. I'm waiting for some signs from the Heavens to tell me what to do - a lighting bolt would be nice. Too bad answers don't come in that form.

I'm gearing up for Wedding Season. At least ten people that I know are getting married between the end of July to the end of August. I'm super excited for all of them and cannot believe that I am old enough to be getting married. It's just crazy. Some days I get pretty jealous - ok really really jealous - and then I snap out of it and realize that my time will come. There is no need to rush. I still need to figure out what I'm doing. So now I'm able to sit back and think that "it'll happen when it happens." I don't think that was the tune I was singing three years ago... or even six months ago... or maybe even six weeks ago... ok six days ago ;) just kiddin.

Well, there's my life update. It's super exciting and eventful, I know. Maybe the next update will be a little more thrilling.

Ramblings from a breaking heart....

So I wrote this a couple weeks ago on my wonderful MySpace blog and I thought that this blog was a little lonely... So here it goes....

Let's see... it's late and I'm tired, but I needed someone or something or somewhere to ramble. So I thought, MYSPACE!

The facts are that I should be absolutely thrilled with my life. I'm 21 and already graduated from college. I have a great fam - fun sisters, successful and loving dad, and sweet mom. I have amazing friends. A decent job. A conviction and belief in God. And an INCREDIBLE boyfriend - who also has an amazing family that I absolutely adore. I have been to several different countries, was able to live in the Nation's Capital for four months, and have had many great opportunities.

So, where's the problem? I have a "picture-perfect" life so it seems. And then we switch camera angle. The problem lies in my desire to please everyone but myself. I base my self confidence on what others tell me. And instead of listening to the praise I receive, I listen to the negative I hear: "you're ruining your life," "I don't think you are where you want to be," "you will regret your decisions ten years from now"..... just to name a few of the less degrading comments.

I have become enslaved by those I care about most. Their opinions, desires, and feelings have come to dominate my life more than mine. Whether it be rescheduling my day to do a favor I will never be thanked for or taking their criticism without defending myself, it is starting to kill me. I am losing the strong-willed, outgoing, and confident girl I once was.

I pulled out my baby blanket and teddy bear tonight for the first time in probably ten or fifteen years. I have never felt so alone and in need than I did tonight. This has been culminating for a couple months and I have had periodic "spells" but I needed that extra comfort tonight.

For once I just want someone to understand what I am going through and love me no matter what decision I make or where my decisions take me. I'm sick of conditional statements. I'm sick of suggestions that are more like demands. I'm sick of feeling less than dirt. I want someone to go out of their way to show me how much I mean to them - instead of me always having to prove that I am worthy of their affection and attention. I'm a simple girl. A message, or note, or phone call, or text... or ANYTHING just to know that I mean the world to at least someone would mean the world to me.

Granted, there are those that have been so amazing and have really been there for me. I'm just venting - so don't take offense those of you who have been there for me.

While there are larger issues at play, which I know many people know about, I want to be in control of the situation. Hey, guess what, I am thinking things through and I know what I will be sacrificing. But if I follow the path that others want me to follow, I will be sacrificing my happiness - which I am already doing. Personally, I don't think I will be punished for doing the right things and I'm pretty sure that God will understand. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it. I can't help the way I feel and I know those feelings are real and it's time for me to stand up for that instead of being treated like crap for feeling that way.

And another thing - for those of you that think I may be "losing my religion" so to put it - I'm not. I have a stronger conviction of my beliefs now than I did a year, two, or three years ago. I know what I believe and no one will be able to take that from me ever. That being said, I also know that it is up to each person to be accountable for the decisions that they make and trust in their Lord that he will be a merciful God. And I truly believe that - so don't worry about my situation. Let me deal with it.

Ok, that was a whole lot of randomness, but it has made me feel like I don't need to curl up in a ball never to come back. All of these stresses and comments and doubts have really worn me down and my aching heart has started to break. I JUST CAN'T handle feeling this way any more and would like everyone to respect my decisions. And NO I will not regret anything in the next ten years. The only regret I would have is if i didn't follow my heart.

I caved....

For the longest time I vowed not to get a blog... I mean, Facebook and Myspace should be enough, shouldn't they? However, Saturday evening boredom has taken over and I joined the blogging world. So here goes! I have NO idea how to edit this thing or do anything... so you'll have to be understanding for the time being. Oh and welcome to my blog :-D