Ramblings from a breaking heart....

So I wrote this a couple weeks ago on my wonderful MySpace blog and I thought that this blog was a little lonely... So here it goes....

Let's see... it's late and I'm tired, but I needed someone or something or somewhere to ramble. So I thought, MYSPACE!

The facts are that I should be absolutely thrilled with my life. I'm 21 and already graduated from college. I have a great fam - fun sisters, successful and loving dad, and sweet mom. I have amazing friends. A decent job. A conviction and belief in God. And an INCREDIBLE boyfriend - who also has an amazing family that I absolutely adore. I have been to several different countries, was able to live in the Nation's Capital for four months, and have had many great opportunities.

So, where's the problem? I have a "picture-perfect" life so it seems. And then we switch camera angle. The problem lies in my desire to please everyone but myself. I base my self confidence on what others tell me. And instead of listening to the praise I receive, I listen to the negative I hear: "you're ruining your life," "I don't think you are where you want to be," "you will regret your decisions ten years from now"..... just to name a few of the less degrading comments.

I have become enslaved by those I care about most. Their opinions, desires, and feelings have come to dominate my life more than mine. Whether it be rescheduling my day to do a favor I will never be thanked for or taking their criticism without defending myself, it is starting to kill me. I am losing the strong-willed, outgoing, and confident girl I once was.

I pulled out my baby blanket and teddy bear tonight for the first time in probably ten or fifteen years. I have never felt so alone and in need than I did tonight. This has been culminating for a couple months and I have had periodic "spells" but I needed that extra comfort tonight.

For once I just want someone to understand what I am going through and love me no matter what decision I make or where my decisions take me. I'm sick of conditional statements. I'm sick of suggestions that are more like demands. I'm sick of feeling less than dirt. I want someone to go out of their way to show me how much I mean to them - instead of me always having to prove that I am worthy of their affection and attention. I'm a simple girl. A message, or note, or phone call, or text... or ANYTHING just to know that I mean the world to at least someone would mean the world to me.

Granted, there are those that have been so amazing and have really been there for me. I'm just venting - so don't take offense those of you who have been there for me.

While there are larger issues at play, which I know many people know about, I want to be in control of the situation. Hey, guess what, I am thinking things through and I know what I will be sacrificing. But if I follow the path that others want me to follow, I will be sacrificing my happiness - which I am already doing. Personally, I don't think I will be punished for doing the right things and I'm pretty sure that God will understand. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it. I can't help the way I feel and I know those feelings are real and it's time for me to stand up for that instead of being treated like crap for feeling that way.

And another thing - for those of you that think I may be "losing my religion" so to put it - I'm not. I have a stronger conviction of my beliefs now than I did a year, two, or three years ago. I know what I believe and no one will be able to take that from me ever. That being said, I also know that it is up to each person to be accountable for the decisions that they make and trust in their Lord that he will be a merciful God. And I truly believe that - so don't worry about my situation. Let me deal with it.

Ok, that was a whole lot of randomness, but it has made me feel like I don't need to curl up in a ball never to come back. All of these stresses and comments and doubts have really worn me down and my aching heart has started to break. I JUST CAN'T handle feeling this way any more and would like everyone to respect my decisions. And NO I will not regret anything in the next ten years. The only regret I would have is if i didn't follow my heart.